WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY
You're not alone - almost everyone has - and most people either don't know what to do when they need to comfort someone, or they do it wrong.
Which is why I created this page even though it isn't directly related to business communication. Businesses are made up of people and sooner or latter you may be called upon someone in your workplace.
On this page you will learn exactly what to say (and not say) to comfort someone in time of crisis or even depression – even if you have low emotional intelligence or no natural empathy.
To some people this comes naturally, but to most of us it doesn't.
There’s a lot of us in the world who don’t have natural empathy.
And even people who have empathy make this common mistake, so I’ll start by explaining what not to do.
Don't say "everything will be OK."
This is what I call an "empathy blocker" because it can create friction in the conversation.
The reality is that everything may not be OK. Almost certainly, the person you are trying to comfort doesn't feel like things will be OK. So when you say this, their unconscious mind immediately rejects in and it creates a block for anything else you do or say.
I know that when you say “everything will be okay”, you’re trying to reassure them.
I know your motives are strong and positive, but you are effectively telling them that they shouldn’t feel the way they do because “everything will be OK.”
In my Reflective Listening™ training I call this an invalidation – because you are accidentally and in a very subtle way telling them that the way they feel is invalid. It’s a type of an “empathy blocker” and it makes them feel worse, not better.
The other thing you never want to say is “I know how you feel” – because you don’t know how they feel.
You may have even been in what you perceive to be a similar or identical situation and you know you felt, but no matter the situation, you don’t know how they feel.
As an example, let’s say that one of your parents died and one of their parents just died. You remember how you felt and say, “I know how you feel”. But, what you know is how you felt in that situation, not how they feel in this situation.
You want to help and have good intentions, but when you say “I know how you feel”, it invalidates them once again.
Don't say "I know how you feel."
The other thing you never want to say is "I know how you feel" - because you don't!
You may have even been in what you perceive to be a similar or identical situation and you know you felt, but no matter the situation, you don’t know how they feel.
As an example, let’s say that one of your parents died and one of their parents just died.
You remember how you felt and say, “I know how you feel”. But, what you know is how you felt in that situation, not how they feel in this situation.
You want to help and have good intentions, but when you say “I know how you feel”, it invalidates them once again.
the less you say, the better
Start by using Reflective Listening.
Basically, just shut up and absorb what they’re trying to tell you. Sometimes they may not even be trying tell tell you anything - they're just talking.
In this situation it’s really important not to say anything – because there’s nothing you can say that’s going to work except for the one thing I’m going to show you in the next paragraph. It’s the only thing you should ever say when you’re trying to comfort somebody.
Here’s the one thing that you can (and should) say:
“You must feel
really bad.”
Or, "You must feel terrible.”
Or, “That must really feel
awful.”
Something like that. Nothing more.
Don’t try to identify the exact emotion – this is close enough. And they’ll know that you understand.
In in a live workshop I can teach emotional empathy questions so you can identify the exact emotion, but in most situations you simply have to identify that they feel “bad.”
You know they can't possibly feel good – so they must feel bad.
It's really that simple.
When you say this you’re completely validating them and will acknowledge and agree with you.
So to comfort someone in a difficult situation, don’t say anything. Shut up and listen. Then say: “You must feel terrible.” Or, “You must feel really bad.”
Invariably they’ll say “yeah” – and then they’ll continue to tell you some more.
That’s all you’ve got to do.
You don’t have to understand them. You don’t have to know how they feel. All you’ve got to do is know that they feel bad and reflect this back to them.
Don’t try to make them feel better – because you can’t. No matter what you say or how good your intentions are.
All they need is understanding.
So, that’s exactly what you say to comfort somebody no matter the situation – even if you don’t have natural empathy.
Because effective communication is the foundational skill that underlies all other skills, our mission is to create frameworks and strategies that any person or team can use to communicate more effectively regardless of their background or current skill level.
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